Section 3 - The Abusive Mentality

"He's two different people. I feel like I'm living with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde". This is the second line on page 3 of Why Does He Do That? by Lundy Bancroft. The minute I read these words I knew I was going to be revisiting certain issues that instead of facing head on I have learned to suppress, avoid and deny for the past several years.

I can't begin to recall how many times over the past 13 years of my life I have questioned to myself how this man can be two such different people, tried to convey to my friends and family what it is like to have someone singing your praises to everyone they know but 10 minutes later in the car tell you what a disrespectful, whoring piece of trash you are, and literally screamed in my partner's face, "you are like living with Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde" only to be told I am crazy and that if I would just "behave" the way I was told I wouldn't think that way.

In Chapter 3 of Mr. Bancroft's book he discusses 10 realities of the "abusive mentality".  His insight throughout the reading scared the Hell out of me, especially in relation to personal freedom, freedom from accountability and deference. 

WEB RESOURCES

1.  http://domesticviolencestatistics.org/domestic-violence-dr-jekyll-or-mr-hyde/

This article points out that "There will always be the nice side to that person you once thought you knew, but niceness is not enough to overpower evil" and one must get out of the relationship before it is too late.

2. http://www.associatedcontent.com/article/270644/the_two_faces_of_abuse_and_the_abuser.html?cat=41

This article resonated with me because it maintains that "that people like him (the abuser) are unwilling to accept help or see themselves accurately" and that "people like this do need outsiders - the very people they are trying to lie to and impress - to tell them that they are lying to outsiders, while beating their partners or spouses to a pulp and/or berating and denigrating those same partners or spouses".  I can't tell you how close to home this hits for me and that if people who I had gone to, who knew what was happening, had responded appropriately, life for me and my children and my partner would be very different... BETTER.

JOURNAL RESOURCE

A Review of Quantitative Research on Men Who Batter J Interpers Violence March 1990 5: 87-118

http://jiv.sagepub.com/content/5/1/87.full.pdf+html

She loved him like he was
The last man on Earth
Gave hime everything she ever had
He'd break her spirit down
Then come lovin' up to her
Give a little, then take it back

She'd tell him about her dreams
He'd just shoot 'em down
Lord he loved to make her cry
"You're crazy for believin'
You'll ever leave the ground"
He said, "Only angels know how to fly"

And with a broken wing
She still sings
She keeps an eye on the sky
With a broken wing
She carries her dreams
Man you ought to see her fly

One Sunday morning
She didn't go to church
He wondered why she didn't leave
He went up to the bedroom
Found a note by the window
With the curtains blowin' in the breeze

And with a broken wing
She still sings
She keeps an eye on the sky
With a broken wing
She carries her dreams
Man you ought to see her fly

With a broken wing
She carries her dreams
Man you ought to see her fly