I chose this chapter in Why Does He Do That? to discuss because the very title "The Mystery" and the subsequent "voices" of the women reminded me of how often I have said these very things to my friends and family about my own involvement in abuse. I continue to question why certain people behave abusively for no apparent reason and yet successfully function as or at least are perceived by others to be a good parent,obedient son, helpful neighbor, and so on.The continual inner conflict created by statements such as "Everyone else thinks he's great. I don't know what it is about me that sets him off" or "He calls me names, and then an hour later he wants sex. I don't get it" can wear a person's self-esteem down to almost nothing. Constantly questioning one's self-worth, competency, and even appearance is emotionally draining and can lead to severe depression and even physical symptoms brought on by stress and anxiety.
As I continued on in this Chapter I also started to think about why many men, at least that I have personal knowledge of, whether it has been one of my own relationships or that of my friends and family members, seem to tell a woman how pretty, fun and competent she is but when the relationship becomes serious and/or leads to cohabitation he then questions why she wears make-up, disapproves of her wardrobe, doesn't want to go out or spend time with her,tells her she isn't keeping the house up well enough yet doesn't equally contribute and that she isn't working hard enough because they are living paycheck to paycheck yet he continues to spend.
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This article discusses how verbal abuse, sarcasm, and being vindictive in a relationship can destroy a marriage and how lack of respect may even cause some men to "take the law into their own hands and try to make all the decisions".
I chose this source because it supports the idea that people do not really change, rather "What happened was you perceived him in a certain way based on his behaviors". In the section of Bancroft's book entitled the "Nature of Abusive Thinking" he discusses how "most abusive men simply don't seem like abusers"(pg. 8). I think it is important for abused women to be reminded that they did not "create" an abusive partner... he already existed and that one has the power to address the adverse behaviors in a relationship of this type from the very beginning... one must educate themself and above all trust in themself!
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